My Dog’s Profession

Chloe, the Standard Poodle and perfect dog, has a burgeoning career in her future- that of Professional Obstacle. She is terribly good at being in the way. It seems to be an innate talent and one she practices on a daily basis. Therefore I think she could make a lot of money, if we can just tap the right market.

First, a “guest post” from Chloe, as follows:

How I do it

By Chloe Louise Sault

First, let’s understand the assumption. Tripping a human is a good thing. It establishes our “dogness” and it is amusing.

Lying in the middle of the floor of any room is a sure thing. Spreading out – legs, head, tail, and if I am feeling particularly sarcastic, tongue – assures high potential for tripping a human. If a human does not notice me lying there – as my grandmother did not notice a few months back – they will trip and fall. Goal! I mitigate any negative reaction towards me by not moving and looking innocent and cute.

Lying in a doorway is best used when the humans are moving about from room to room and generally being unpredictable. Stationing myself in a doorway has an added benefit as it enables my ability to monitor the human’s activities.

An important caveat for the novice – when the human is attempting to step over you, don’t move. Doing so could risk damage to the face and head when the human’s foot rapidly connects with said body parts. However DO take the risk if you really want the human to fall. You see, as they try to correct their trajectory they lose balance rather easily resulting in “the fall”. Any damage they do to you they will take care of medically and financially. Guilt is usually an outcome as well. Treats often follow guilt.

Preceding the human through the house or yard or sidewalk is good for frustrating the human and CAN result in a fall, but not usually. Mostly it results in the human yelling and cussing and the poodle being pushed, shoved or otherwise rudely moved by the human. It is not necessarily recommended. However it can be satisfying in a rather evil way.

While the human is exercising, place your soggy chin and wet, slimy and cold nose in their hand when they least expect it. It usually results in a chin rub, which is very nice. It may also result in surprising the human who then pulls a muscle, usually in the back, causing temporary pain and yelling and cussing. It is fun to watch and harmless for you.

To sum up: Us dogs can have great fun tormenting and torturing our humans while appearing to be affectionate and innocent. Take advantage. We have so little recompense for our affable selves (no pockets, no thumbs, no cars … need I say more).

Signed: Chloe Louise Sault, P.O.

OK! It's not a poodle. But who cares - it's funny!

Back to Mama

My Chloe lacks imagination. The “hit man” market craves such genius. I think the Cosa Nostra should take notice. Our prices are fair. Please be discreet in your inquiries. We need cash money. Pony up, people.

I loved my Amber-poodle

Letting you all know (because I suspect you’d want to know) – I’ve had to send my darling and brave Amber-girl to heaven. I’ll not distinguish between human and doggie heaven, partly because I’d like to end up in both.

She was a 17 years-old, still gorgeous, still noble … an insolent 12 pound, fluffy and curly-white bundle of dog. I believe she could have tamed lions, given the chance. In the 70’s, Helen Reddy would’ve been proud. Amber was a true feminist.

Aging: Most of us will end up in a place with which we are not familiar. That place is indistinct, confusing, frustrating, frightening … because we are unable to recognize it and process it due to our failing vision and hearing, thought processes, ability to move comfortably, and probably more that I can’t know at my tender age.

I finally realized Amber was THERE. Standing, swaying, and staring at the wall without a purpose is not dignified. Amber was, if anything, dignified – and defiant – during her life. The Vet agreed. We wanted to give her a Viking funeral.

We gave her what we could – a shot in the “arm” and a loving farewell.

Amber will remain a legend in my memory. She was … a true Princess.

HRH Princess Amber

The Slower Side of Life

Have I mentioned that Amber (the mini-poodle) is 17 years old? That’s 119 in People years. (Actually, I think the formula is different for smaller dogs ….) But she is O.L.D.

It takes Amber a LOT longer to do things than it takes a younger dog. It is something like the movement of a tectonic plate.

Waiting for Amber to walk through the door to or from the outside is one example. She ambles.

Here are some things a person could do while waiting for Amber to move:

• Have a full manicure including drying the top coat.
• Read a novella.
• Recite a Psalm from the Bible, including finding said Psalm.
• Prepare hard-boiled eggs.
• Take a shower including shaving the legs.
• Change the oil in your car.
• Write a novella.
• Watch paint dry.
• Migrate north (if you are a bird).
• Migrate south (same same).

I love my old lady-dog. She is genuine. Her behavior is trying (on the patience).

Tonight she stood and made barely audible whining sounds because she couldn’t reach Chloe’s dish of food, which she knows I don’t want her to have. I caved. I gave it to her. She’s a bitch but she’s my bitch. *sigh*

What’s that expression? “Older than God”? Here’s to being old. May you have a loving, caving person to care for you. Cheers!

Dogs and owners – look alike? Nah.

Not long ago someone told me my dog, Chloe, and I looked similar. I think he meant the curly, blondish hair thing. Here are photos to compare – taken this morning – fed and caffeinated but unbrushed:

Unbrushed Poodle Mama

Unbrushed Poodle Chloe (the perfect dog)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For starters, Chloe doesn’t wear glasses. While she has beautiful, loving eyes, they are brown, not green, like mine.

Her nose is much bigger although she sports just the one chin, which is a plus.

Our lips are utterly different – being that I have them and she doesn’t really.

Overall, I think Chloe is rather more stylish looking and knows how to strike a pose. And while some have told me I’m pretty, everyone says Chloe is beautiful.

Other comparisons could include:

We both have to carry our licenses with us – her method (the collar method) is more efficient than a wallet. Of course, she doesn’t have pockets so how would she carry a wallet?

I don’t lay around on the floor all the time. That would be silly. Dogs can be silly all the time if they want to. Both Chloe and I have trouble getting up from the floor – an odd similarity.

I don’t feel the need to sniff the perimeter of my yard. Apparently Chloe does, at great length.

I do NOT put my chin on a lap when I want attention/affection. (Bet it would work, though.)

Chloe has a great advantage with the “I’m-going-to-stare-at-you-until-I-get-what-I-want” thing. She’s raised that skill to an art form.

Speaking of … gotta go. Chloe “wants something”.